30 Posts Challenge: #29, One Last Aspect

Hey Guys. You’re still with me on the 30 Posts Challenge? 29 posts later? Yes, we still have the one after this, but I have that one planned. The challenge was 30 true aspects about myself. This is one I dodge so well, I almost talked myself out of bogging it. I start a sentence then delete, a paragraph, delete, or just sit, trying to get the nerve to say it.

I’ve struggled with eating since I was 13. Now if I don’t delete it, you will read it.

When I was 13, my dad got called to my school. He was told I never eat, and had an eating disorder. I had no knowledge of it, and when my dad asked, I didn’t take it serious. The school had classmates literally follow me to see if I eat, and if I ate what I did afterwards. One was a friend who told me. They had my dad watching. I didn’t eat.

Our counselor sat me down, but I didn’t understand anorexia. I hated to chew. I didn’t know it then but I had fibromyalgia, and hurt when chewing too tough or too long. I thought eating was boring. It took so much time to eat. I didn’t understand I also had digestive issues, and not eating was making it worse.

They brought in outside counseling who tried to bully me into eating. Bad idea. One counselor called my home saying I was at school on drugs, threatening to kill myself. My mom and dad got so mad they were lied to and scared to death. The school was upset enough that they backed off on outside help.

Instead they had teachers talk to all of us. They said Karen Carpenter had just died from it. I’m glad they did because while I was not anorexic, I was doing anorexic like behaviors. The one that was a “deal breaker” was throwing up. I didn’t like doing that anyway. It made me easily sick, and I struggled with throwing up a lot since I was 3.

I remember warnings on losing teeth, a damaged heart, a ruined digestive system, and more. I was diagnosed with a damaged heart valve at 17, was a high risk pregnancy at 18, had a C-section because my baby kept losing his heart beat, lost a 10 year dental battle to dentures by 30, and began stomach meds at 24 and probably won’t get off them.

I learned later it was some to do with going without food a lot. My dad gave us Pepto-Bismol often to keep our stomachs from hurting. I saw on TV people who had food and missed a meal would be sick. I was afraid to eat then hurt because in my mind I didn’t know hunger, and didn’t want to, especially since people did bad things when they did.

As I started taking meds I got sick, almost passing out in public. That and having gall bladder surgery at 28 got me eating. Physically unable by 35 to walk 5 miles like I use to, swim all day, ride bikes, or work hard caused weight gain. My docs say 80-100 lbs. are meds. The battle’s been so long, my docs who knew me as active are gone, and docs I gain now believe I’ve always been big. One insisted I prove I was EVER small with pics.

SO… now you know.

I’m looking into bariatric surgery, as surrender that without physical activity it’s highly unlikely I’ll get it off, or may gain more. I’m afraid of diabetes, liver disease, and complicating my spinal issues. I’m afraid of being at the mercy of others, especially as an obese patient. If life is going to take me out because I can’t be active, I get tempted to think it’s best not to take part now. That is the Lord’s call. I do not want to give up. In praying about it, that is why I consider it…. to save my life.